I've been feeling really confused lately. I really don't know what i wanna do, or even what i want anymore. I feel so torn between 2 worlds. What ann said really got me thinking. Maybe it's just because i can't accept the fact that he's gone, that's why i'm feeling so confused. Feelings take time to fade, but i really wonder how long? I really want this feelings to fade. I don't wanna love him anymore, it's killing me. Wanting to forget him is one thing. Forgetting him is another. I want to forget him, but how? I've been trying to stop thinking of him but it's not exactly working. As much as i don't want to, the thought of him just pops up in my mind all of a sudden. Though there are sometimes where i'll think of him willingly, but that hardly happens now. Everytime i think of him, i'll have this sudden urge to cry. The sudden urge to go up to him, or even scream ' I LOVE YOU, WHY CAN'T YOU JUST LOVE ME LIKE YOU USE TO? ' whenever i see him. But i don't have the guts to.
I've waited for him so long, but i guess it never really was worth it. After finding out how he's been trying to get other girl's number, i know that he never really meant what he said. He was just using me as a toy, a fling. And just the thought of it, hurts me like hell. I feel like messaging him sometimes, but before i do, i'll just think. And after thinking bout what he has done to me, i'll just erase the whole thing and try to forget bout messaging him. I'm sick of listening to love songs, cause they always remind me of those times when we were still together.
I don't wanna seem desperate and keep waiting for him, even though i know he's not coming back ever. Or even seem desperate enough to go for some other guy whom i don't even like but am pretending to. I don't wanna hurt another guy like what i did to benjamin. I don't wanna use another guy as a way to make me forget about him. I don't wanna follow benjamin, like what he's doing to auriel. Sighs.
Maybe him leaving school at the end of this year's good after all. So that i won't have to see him in school anymore. Don't have to want him to call or even message me anymore. Don't have to have the urge to message or even call him anymore.. But there are still times when i feel like breaking down, after how he'd ignored me. I really wish he'd stop sending me mixed signals. I know he's already moved on, right? So what's the point of hoping that he'll still turn around and say that he still loves me and that he'd missed me alot? What's the use? Juliana was right. If he'd really loved me and treated me as his girlfriend, he'll be brave enough to hold my hand in school and brave enough to tell his friend that i'm hs girlfriend and even let me hang out with him and his friends. I hate myself, i hate him but i love him too. I know he's a heartless creature. Making girls fall in love with him, breaking other girl's heart and playing with a girl's heart. And i know that he doesn't even give a damn that i'm cutting myself, or even that i'm crying my heart out. So why do i still love him so much
He doesn't even care that i'm trying to kill myself sometimes or even that it's hurting me everytime he ignores me. After thinking bout all these for quite a long time, i realised that all along, i've been running away from the fact that he's gone and that he's never ever coming back to me. I've been hurting for so long now, and i know that it's time that i move on and forget about him. Forget that he'd ever existed like what he's doing now. Sometimes i really do wonder, how do guys actually break other girl's hearts without feeling guilty. Why is it that some guys know how it feels to lose someone you really love alot, but still do the same thing to others?
Maybe mummy was right, i'm not old enough to get into a relationship yet. I should just concentrate on my studies and focus on getting good results and forget about guys and relationships until i'm 20. Maybe then i'll be old enough to know how to handle a relationship? For now, i should just focus on my studies and have a good time with my friends. At least i know they'll never leave me alone, and that they'll always be there for me no matter what. No matter what situation i'm in, they'll always be there by my side to help me solve my problems. They'll always be there for me, as my listening ear. They'll never ever judge me. Unlike some guys who make empty promises and totally forget that us girls are humans too. We have feelings too you know?
sighs. :(((((((((((