I hope that love she gave you, was just enough to save you;

everything that i do, reminds me of you.

I'VE MOVED, DARLINGS!

i know you guys will miss me right?

nyehehehehehe. :]

taste the bitterness inside at 9:40 AM;

I don't wanna know.

I LOVE YOU, YOU IDIOT.
:(

taste the bitterness inside at 6:39 AM;

when you're gone, the pieces of my heart are missing you.

i don't know if i'm suppose to be happy right now. i don't even know whether what i'm doing is right or wrong. i don't even know what and why i'm doing this. i want irah to be happy. she deserves a really great guy. i don't want her to carry on crying day/night for the rest of the year. she's after all, my dearest friend whom helped me. but it's shaqif, the guy whom she loves. the guy whom i love with all my heart. the guy whom changed my life. the guys who broke my heart. the guy whom is confusing me right now.

to tell you the truth, i already knew irah liked him from the start of our conversation. it was kinda obvious cause she kept talking about him non-stop. obvious ain't it? but i kept quiet and pretended i didn't mind. so why am i feeling so miserable now? why why why?! she told me she wanted to tell him now, and i actually encouraged her to. she did, and he said that he knew it all along. i don't know why, but i've got a feeling that he liked her all along. maybe he was just playing with my feelings when we were together? cause think, how could his feelings for irah just change all of a sudden? they were so close to each other. they both loved each other, till i came along. maybe if i didn't like shaqif back, they would have gotten together and still be happily together even till now? it's no use regretting, i know. but i'm just confused.

they're close to each other like how they use to be when they both liked each other alot. that means that there's a high chance that he likes her back too right? so why didn't he tell her that he liked her too. why can't they just freaking get together now? and best, keep it from me. cause i don't wanna know. i'll be broken if i do find out. but not knowing is better right? at least it'll be easier for me when i see either one of them? they're still messaging each other, and i really wonder what they're talking about. wonder how they manage to talk for so long. i remember when he still liked me alot, he'd talk to me a hell lot. but now, he's just ignoring me, pretending that i'm not alive. since he's talking to her a hell lot, doesn't that mean that he likes her too? maybe i'm just thinking too much. but i just can't help it.

so please, tell me what i should do right now. should i just wait and then see them slowly get together? i know i should just ask him who he likes right now. clarify this whole matter. and believe me, i did try. but all he said was he didn't know. he really doesn't know whether we're really over. whether we've really broken up. i don't know either. is that why he's making me feel so confused? cause he's confused too? sighs. someone please kill me. =(((

i need to study study study but i just can't concentrate on my work/book/notes. i might seem like i'm studying, but my mind just floats to lala land. caryl, STUDY! you want your 1GB memory card don't you? you wanna enjoy shopping after the exams right? so STUDY girl! work towards the 15th & 16th may. where you can really enjoy or either just get hurt. cause those are the 2 days where you and shaqif went steady. 15th november 2006. sighs. i love you boy, i really really do. we had something so real, something so beautiful. but now it's now the same.

there are times when i feel my feelings for you are starting to fade away. and this hurt and pain is slowing decreasing. but when i really do open up my heart and think everything true, i'm still hurting alot. and i still do love you alot like i've always did. so why? why am i feeling like this? why can't i just forget you boy? why? i thought you loved me. you promised me that you won't ever leave me and that i was going to be your one and only dear/taitai. so why did you go? i thought you were the one for me. but i guess i was wrong. i could never guess that you'll be the one who builds me up and tear me down. i'm not a toy hun, i've got feelings too. i cry, i laugh, i hurt & i love. so please, tell me. do you still love me like you did before?

/ boy, it's not suppose to hurt like this.

taste the bitterness inside at 6:57 AM;

am i suppose to be happy?

I've been feeling really confused lately. I really don't know what i wanna do, or even what i want anymore. I feel so torn between 2 worlds. What ann said really got me thinking. Maybe it's just because i can't accept the fact that he's gone, that's why i'm feeling so confused. Feelings take time to fade, but i really wonder how long? I really want this feelings to fade. I don't wanna love him anymore, it's killing me. Wanting to forget him is one thing. Forgetting him is another. I want to forget him, but how? I've been trying to stop thinking of him but it's not exactly working. As much as i don't want to, the thought of him just pops up in my mind all of a sudden. Though there are sometimes where i'll think of him willingly, but that hardly happens now. Everytime i think of him, i'll have this sudden urge to cry. The sudden urge to go up to him, or even scream ' I LOVE YOU, WHY CAN'T YOU JUST LOVE ME LIKE YOU USE TO? ' whenever i see him. But i don't have the guts to.

I've waited for him so long, but i guess it never really was worth it. After finding out how he's been trying to get other girl's number, i know that he never really meant what he said. He was just using me as a toy, a fling. And just the thought of it, hurts me like hell. I feel like messaging him sometimes, but before i do, i'll just think. And after thinking bout what he has done to me, i'll just erase the whole thing and try to forget bout messaging him. I'm sick of listening to love songs, cause they always remind me of those times when we were still together.

I don't wanna seem desperate and keep waiting for him, even though i know he's not coming back ever. Or even seem desperate enough to go for some other guy whom i don't even like but am pretending to. I don't wanna hurt another guy like what i did to benjamin. I don't wanna use another guy as a way to make me forget about him. I don't wanna follow benjamin, like what he's doing to auriel. Sighs.

Maybe him leaving school at the end of this year's good after all. So that i won't have to see him in school anymore. Don't have to want him to call or even message me anymore. Don't have to have the urge to message or even call him anymore.. But there are still times when i feel like breaking down, after how he'd ignored me. I really wish he'd stop sending me mixed signals. I know he's already moved on, right? So what's the point of hoping that he'll still turn around and say that he still loves me and that he'd missed me alot? What's the use? Juliana was right. If he'd really loved me and treated me as his girlfriend, he'll be brave enough to hold my hand in school and brave enough to tell his friend that i'm hs girlfriend and even let me hang out with him and his friends. I hate myself, i hate him but i love him too. I know he's a heartless creature. Making girls fall in love with him, breaking other girl's heart and playing with a girl's heart. And i know that he doesn't even give a damn that i'm cutting myself, or even that i'm crying my heart out. So why do i still love him so much

He doesn't even care that i'm trying to kill myself sometimes or even that it's hurting me everytime he ignores me. After thinking bout all these for quite a long time, i realised that all along, i've been running away from the fact that he's gone and that he's never ever coming back to me. I've been hurting for so long now, and i know that it's time that i move on and forget about him. Forget that he'd ever existed like what he's doing now. Sometimes i really do wonder, how do guys actually break other girl's hearts without feeling guilty. Why is it that some guys know how it feels to lose someone you really love alot, but still do the same thing to others?

Maybe mummy was right, i'm not old enough to get into a relationship yet. I should just concentrate on my studies and focus on getting good results and forget about guys and relationships until i'm 20. Maybe then i'll be old enough to know how to handle a relationship? For now, i should just focus on my studies and have a good time with my friends. At least i know they'll never leave me alone, and that they'll always be there for me no matter what. No matter what situation i'm in, they'll always be there by my side to help me solve my problems. They'll always be there for me, as my listening ear. They'll never ever judge me. Unlike some guys who make empty promises and totally forget that us girls are humans too. We have feelings too you know?

sighs. :(((((((((((

taste the bitterness inside at 3:00 PM;

it's funny cause everytime i try to move on, my feelings bring you back in.

i'm so so so sorry for the lack of updates lately. keep forgetting to update you. hahaha. anyways here's a quick update bout my life recently. he's been staring, i feel really confused and i really don't know what to do. and i wanna let go, cause it seems he's already found someone new. sighs. i hate friday. as in sport's day that day. i was happy and upset at the same time. happy cause i saw him running! wheeeee hothothot! upset cause he didn't even give a damn that i was there. he'll pretend that he didn't see me at all. don't you know how much it hurts my dear? :(((

okay then went to lot1 with my dearest rina, auriel and yiting. and guess what? 2 dogs came along. mary and elly. fuck la. damn irritating okay. i seriously got pissed, i wanted to stand up and walk away. andandand, okay refer to my public blog for that entry bout that day. mary, i wish you'd shut the fuck up sometimes. wait, most of the time. eh wait, everytime. i'm so glad you'll be gone for 5 days. 5 days without mary's crap, hahhhhh so peaceful! no more hurtful comments. wheeeeeeeeeeeee!

okay, one more thing to blog about before i forget bout it. yes, we're still on the same topic. well, when mary and i came back from the toilet and had to walk past his table, mary said that she saw him looking at her and smiling. then she said that he always smile at her, e.g: the sec one campfire, that day, blahblahblah. eh please la, you think everyone wanna stare at you issit? don't think so highly of yourself okay. eew. oh yeah, and what 'study' group huh? if you wanna comment on others, can you please think about how others will feel first before you do? so what if you say what's inside your heart? i don't give a damn okay.

do you know how fucking annoying it is when EVERY single thing you talk about is about sebastian? sebastian this, sebastian that. wtfh la. shut up mary. shut up. and about elly. i've got nothing nice to say about her. but 2 words are good enough to describe her. FUCKING ANNOYING. i'm sorry if this post is really really vulgar, but i wanna let off some steam here. sorry eh?

okay i'm done here. byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! ahhhh I Miss Muhd Shaqif Bte Ahmad! :( why can't we talk this over? why can't we just patch back? why can't you just talk to me? why can't you just treat me like you used to back then? fuck, i miss you a hell lot dear. midyears are coming! but will you even want me back? :(

taste the bitterness inside at 6:50 AM;

i can't believe i trusted you when you told me you won't leave me.

okay, short post before i start studying for my biology test. mr lee talked to us today and something he said strucked me. he said that:

whatever happened during the weekends, please don't let it affect your studies. any problems in your studies, us teachers can help. but anything else that happened, there's nothing we can do to help you guys. cause all that's happened has already took place. so just stay strong and move on, don't let it affect your mood. even if your mood's affected on a schoolday, don't show it or at least try not to. just put it aside, and study hard. but if you need someone to talk to, you can always count on your friends and your familiy members. okay?

well, it kinda got me thinking. maybe i should just put this aside in the meantime and concentrate on my studies. try to get him outta my mind, and just do well in my studies. make my parents proud! (:
hahahahaha crap. neverminddddd.

well, i got high today from after recess onwards. (: it seems that he kept staring at me non-stop. serious. even zuladly thinks he's not over me yet. quoted from zuladly since he's a guy, the way that zul saw him staring at me just now, he's not over me. should i be happy or sad bout this? man i'm confused. =/ ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

taste the bitterness inside at 5:46 AM;

this is hurting me more than you know.

omg i can't believe this and i know you guys won't either. sabrina was in the group when they read the apology letter from me. and she told me that they were actually afraid of me! well all of them except rica. this is so unbelieveable. am i that scary-looking? HAHA. all i wrote was that was sorry and stuff and then they're afraid of me? they've got to wait for rica to tell them what to do before they can confront me. total losers i tell you. ann helped me realise that they are cowards actually. dominic scolded them once and now they're staying away from her. hahahaha and now dominic's my godbrother. so i don't think they'll even dare to touch me. okay that sounded kinda sick. neverminddddddddd.

well, i'm done being all emo cause of him. i still can't believe that i actually cut because of those cowards. what a waste of blood. well, i don't wanna care anymore. i can't cut anymore cause i promised my friends and my dearest 'family' that i won't. i don't want anyone else to worry bout me. i feel so bad for making you guys worry bout me. i'm fine, really i am. and i've been trying to smile and laugh alot. i've really been trying. but to tell you the truth, the harder i laugh, the more i wanna cry. i've accepted the fact that he's never coming back. and that things won't ever go back to what they used to be like in those 3 months we were together. yeah i know, 3 months is friggin short. and plus the fact that we only went out ONCE. i know you guys think that that's awfully pathetic, and i've got to agree. but when you love someone, the feelings don't fade so easily.

wheeeeeee now to talk about getting revenge. no it's not getting revenge on those cowards, but muhammad shaqif bte ahmad! muahahahahahah! well, aziela asked me if i wanted to get revenge on shaqif and i agreed. so she told me her plan. we'll spread rumours that he's gay or even looks gay and is only using his looks to get girls to fall for him. especially to those innocent sec 1s so that he can't target anyone else. and so far, the plans working so well! aziela's spread to the sec 1 dancers already and they're helping to spread it! wheeeeeeeeeeeeee revenge is sweet! i loveeeeeeeee aziela baby! i think this has help bring us closer and i realise aziela isn't that bad la. but i still dunno why she hates him so much.

i've been thinking bout it, and i realise heck! what's the point of waiting for this jerk? he doesn't care that you're cutting for him, or even crying for him. so why wait when you can move on and find someone who truely loves you? someone who loves you for who you are and not what you are. aren't i right? well now that i know i'm ready to move on all i gotta do is try not to think about him anymore. but for now, i'll just focus on not caring bout him. kinda feel bad cause he's still my friend. argh whatever.

i loveeeee this post cause it's so long. and i feel so much lighter now cause i've gotten so much off my chest and all over the place. hahahaha. i'm so full of shit. hah, he's gotten his retribution for breaking so many girl's hearts. how you ask? well, he went to lan and he signed into his msn account. then when he left, he forgot to sign out. so some guy came and deleted all his contacts. HAHAHA loser. well i think i'll end here. byeeeeeeeeeee darlings! (:

honey i love you but i guess you're not meant to be mine.

taste the bitterness inside at 6:03 PM;